Wednesday, 27 March 2013

The unbearable lightness of being heavy

There are a number of obstacles standing in between me and a thinner me (that might fit into that wedding dress). Many of them in my own head. Here's a sample of some of them.

The diet

If science with all its progress and astonishing achievements can produce three-headed sheep and seedless watermelons, then why not a carrot that tastes of bacon?

And everybody who's ever felt down knows carbs are an essential ingredient of comfort food. Sucking on the stem of a steamed broccoli just won't produce the kind of feel-good-hormones necessary. Oh, no.

Sure there are those who can eat anything they want and never put on weight; claiming they are "naturally thin". But you know what? There are even more people who are "naturally bulimic". And "naturally liars".

And I mean it's not like I don't watch what I eat. Because I do! First on my plate, then through my viewfinder, then on the computer screen and then as I blog about it.

I don't have anything against it. It just makes you sweaty. And hungry.

And it won't guarantee results, you know. I once bought a Pilates DVD - the advert promised results in the first week. That DVD has now been (the plastic wrapper still intact) in my bookshelf for four years. And the only pounds I've lost are £29.90 I paid for it.

The appearance

If black has a slimming effect, then white must do the exact opposite, right? Which means I haven't gotten fatter, it's just an optical illusion created by my white jeans.

And even if the waistband might feel loose some days, I have no difficulties convincing myself it's because I have magically and effortlessly lost loads of weight. And not because I left home in a hurry and forgot my belt.

All I really need is a 12ft man. Next to something like that I'd look so slim and petite!

And anyway, I come from a sturdy Carelian-Lapland stock. My people weren't meant to run marathons barefoot in the scorching desert sun. We we're created to survive inhumanely cold conditions. That and to flee Russians, while holding on to our heirlooms.

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